wish I could leave my troubles far behind.

I shouldn't be blogging.
But I just really need to vent.

This week has been exceptionally busy. But what more can anyone else expect given the fact that we're only 32 days till the upcoming examinations, huh? Wednesday was the busiest day of the week. Rushed from class to the hall for the speech day rehearsal, rushed from the rehearsal to choir, asked to be dismissed earlier from choir at 5.30 for mathematics tuition at 6, tuition ended at 8 so I had takeaways for dinner and reached home at 8.15. Took a bath. Mugged for yesterday's mathematics and physics test till midnight.

Yesterday was happening. The mathematics test was alright, physics test was challenging but manageable. I just don't want to fail anymore. Even if I pass by just one mark, I'd be happy. I want to at least take double sciences for next year. I want to prove people wrong. I want to prove myself wrong.

Talked to Jianqing on the phone yesterday while messaging Hongwei. Laughed while talking to Jianqing, smiled while reading Hongwei's messages. I felt relieved talking to the both of them. A lot of people have been falling ill nowadays. I hope they'll have a speedy recovery :)

Yes I've been happier. Still sad, but happier. Just less sad.
When I'm unhappy, I bury myself in school work or text people while doing homework.
On top of that I've been jamming to very emotional songs like Go and The Only Way That I Know How To Feel by Boys Like Girls or Tongue Tied and Second Chance by Faber Drive or Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol. If you knew me well enough, I used to be someone who deals with a problem there and then instead of finding ways to forget those problems. But now I don't even have the time to bother to deal with my problems or other people's complications anymore. I don't have the time to offer a listening ear or a helping hand to those in need like I used to, I don't even have the time to help my mom with the house chores or watch television at home as a family or eat dinner as a family or go out as a family anymore.

At least I've been studying.

Sometimes I feel disconnected from every thing. Disengaged. Like everything just feels very wrong, though I don't really know why. I look at the other smiling faces and I think to myself, "At least they're happy." You know maybe there's a myth, like the one about when someone from one part of this world passes on, a child from another part of this world is born. As in, maybe when someone's sad, someone else is happy. Maybe as I'm upset now, someone else in another part of this world is happy. If yes then I'd be willing to be upset for forever. I'd be willing forsake my happiness for another person in this world to be happy.

I don't know why I kept staring at the both of you the other day.
Was I jealous?
Envious?
Angry?
Yes. No. Maybe. I don't know.

And why do I always have this tendency to just blow up and make a big fuss out of something not worth that amount of anger or time or attention from me? Why can't I just let things be? When will I ever learn to just relax? Think twice before I do or say anything stupid? Live and let die, live and let live, love and let love, love and let hate. I wish I could do more than just look at that statement and think to myself, "Yes. That's what I should do. That's what I want to do. That's the right thing for me to do." I want to do more than think. I want to do it.

Heart heavy, world weary.