Just wondering,

How can things change so drastically in a matter of minutes? Its like at one point of time, your stomach swells with joy and then somehow, just out of the blue, everything falls apart and you feel deflated and lifeless. How can you be sure that someone means the world to you in one instant and then in the next, you can’t even seem to remember why your heart sped up when you saw them and your eyes sparkled when you spoke about them? I guess the person that said that life is a roller coaster knew what they were talking about, because sometimes it seems to feel that way. Although sometimes, it seems to feel like life is just some sort of a free fall. It feels like when it’s all over, you’re just going to break into pieces. Like it’s going to be the end of you and you will be forgotten and lost.

I don’t want to feel that way, I want to make this feeling stop. I want to be sure of what I want. I want to know how I feel. I want to be sure that I’m making the right decisions in all that I do. I know that in all of this confusion you’re supposed to follow your heart, let your heart lead your mind (like the investiture theme) and all, but I don't trust my heart. I don't want to be completely dependent on it, because I know it isn't going to make the right decisions all the time either. I don’t want to be scared. I want to have courage and faith in myself. I want to know that no matter what, everything will be okay. But lately I’ve been feeling sort of weak. Like something is trying to show me a part of myself I’ve never seen before. How can I be myself if life is trying to show me things about myself that I never knew existed? I’m waiting for a glimmer of hope somewhere; probably something like the sun's morning glare sparking my fresh start in life where I'll be the person I'm hoping to be- but it seems like I’ll never get to that place, to the comfort I hope to be in. I hope that this is all part of some plan to help me get to a better place in this life.